Shaken and stirred…

It’s the third day after the 7.1 (7.2, 7.4?) earthquake here in Christchurch and the earth is quivering beneath my feet. She is always quivering since that infinite minute…. Occasionally She shudders and the tremors rise significantly for a few seconds – an Earth convulsion. The mind trembles too and reaches for some form of security – ‘I can leap under the kids bunks if it gets stronger’ is the mantra whilst at home. Everything holds on for those few seconds and then comes the release as the shaking stops. In the moments it’s taken me to write this there have been 3 of those larger tremors. They can go for weeks apparently.

It is such a new experience to live on this edge. It is an edge of complete unknown, where the thread of life is very fine. Anything could happen – as that night showed me. Awoken at 4.35am in utter darkness to a house heaving at its foundations, huge energetic shudders passing through the body and an immense nausea in the belly. That 1 minute was timeless…

Apparently the earthquake that erupted through this land was the size of the Haiti quake, the epicenter 30km from our home… a few cracks, a brick wall in the garden fallen, zigzags cross the driveway, these are the measures of Her shudders …..the home across the road severely damaged….Christchurch is a mess….what grace that no-one was killed. The human body is frail to the magnitude of such a natural event.

Death is occurring however… on many levels…

Day 1 - the inner experience is one of disorientation, brain suspended somewhere …. powerful connectivity to the earth movements within my physical body. I AM the earthquake. Waves rolling in, building as the pressure in the earth rises then shaking and shuddering as the aftershocks come into the physical…..an express train storming in. I know without doubt this earth and I are one. It is so natural… all the women feel Her

Day 2 - awareness of the inner debris shaken loose by Her rocking and rolling – tears (I couldn’t name what for), emotions rolling around the belly, the edge of terror always imminent vibrating the emotional field…. a frailness that recognizes how close physical death is in every moment.

The illusion 99% of human beings live with – “it’s not going to happen today”- is shattered.

IT CAN HAPPEN IN ANY MOMENT.

Death.. the big one…kicking the bucket… snuffed out… belly up.

It is inevitable…

The comfort of love and companionship is so needed in these moments. We all sleep together in the lounge, marae style, with kids sleeping under two large dining tables (apparently the safest place if a big one happens). Someone jokes ‘why didn’t we all sleep like this last night…. Out initial encounters with Her power had been distinctly different…. in the dark, naked, alone…

Tonight it’s fun… well kind of.. certainly there is a deep comfort in being together. We can hold the kids tight when She rumbles on and off during the night. At 7.30am there is a big shake-up. One of the boys laughs as he sees us all sit bolt upright, ready to move fast. She stops..

Day 3 – the shattering moves through the community; nerves are frayed as we clear up… irritation is tangible; everyone is exhausted. The body exhausted from the psychic tension of facing the utterly unknown…
We consciously hold each other, knowing these movements are so impersonal. The breaking up of old structures – literally.

This is the gift She brings us.. the breaking up of structure no longer needed – buildings, businesses, property, plans, ideas, attachments, illusions… whatever it is… and the engagement of true connection and caring for each other, no matter who…

As I pass through the day….people I encounter are open, ready to say ‘what a beautiful day’, to pause and smile, to connect. Despite the edge of irritation in my belly and the longing yet fear to be alone, I engage. That is why we are here… surely?

I implore (old fashioned word but it serves well..) that I do not forget…. that we do not forget…. that I do not get caught up in the illusion of safety once more, that I can rest on this edge of unknowability….. where anything and everything is possible.

Even now my brain refuses to work….. There is an idea that there is something I have to ‘do’ yet I cannot engage anything other than what arises in this moment….. this is being written from another place. As the ‘to do’ list grows in the brain, I have no connection to it….something else is growing within me.. I cannot name it yet, maybe I never will …. it is tangibly unknown yet very real.

The new is arising…………